Toxic People

After gainful employment for almost fifty years I took my last retirement from work and dedicated my life to My Lady and our family. But the world has a way of intruding and my wife was working as an Emergency Manager for the county and was concerned about me being at “loose ends” while she was at work. So in an act of self preservation she suggested that I become a mediator. Why she settled on that occupation I don’t know, but after some initial reluctance I took the training and now, a decade later I’m a contented practicing mediator.

What I do is work with people, businesses and institutions that are caught in a crisis situation and help them resolve the issue to the satisfaction of all parties. The state I live in has recognized my ability and in addition to maintaining a private practice I am certified and approved to practice within the judiciary of the state and help reduce the number of cases that go to trial, it costs both the state and the parties a lot less money to use my services.

I quickly learned that a large part of mediation is knowing that the people at the table are just people. Each person comes to the table with an individual viewpoint and biases and outlook on life that influence how they see events and react to situations. Most of the people I work with sincerely want to resolve the issue and get on with life. But there is a percentage, small but ever present, that have personalities that make my work interesting, challenging and occasionally wondering why I didn’t bring a club to the mediation.

A large percentage of mediators in the U.S. are either attorneys or have trained in the psychological sciences. My background is engineering and management so I bring a somewhat pragmatic skill set to the table. Without stepping on the toes of any of the soft scientists who love to classify and quantify people I see the problem people I work with in four broad categories. Fortunately, for my own sanity, these people are only a small part of the many clients I work with, but each and every one of us can occasionally show parts of our persona that can be said to fit within one (or more) of these categories.

Most common are the self centered personalities, who believe that they are “the only important one”. These are people who can’t understand the other fellows’ viewpoint, since, in their mind, the only opinion that counts are the opinion they have. When challenged they generally go on the offensive and behave in a generally unsocial way.

A second group is those I personally label as “weird”, they are usually emotionally unstable people who are personally affronted by anything that challenges their opinion and almost always react in a somewhat bizarre manner. I have had individuals threaten harm to themselves, pets and inanimate objects if they don’t get their way.

A sub set of the weird ones is the person that sees everything and everyone as the enemy and is always living in a defensive mode. Life, to them is an eternal “me versus them” battle that makes life for those who have to live or deal with them a constant battle. My soft science friends often use the pejorative “paranoid” when discussing them.

Fortunately for my mental health the last group I occasional have to work with are the Predators, people who have absolutely no empathy for anyone else and who take great personal satisfaction in making life difficult for anyone who enters their sphere. They are emotionally destructive to all who come in contact with them and are often physically dangerous people.

Clients I deal with who exhibit these traits (or combinations of them) certainly do make my practice challenging and certainly interesting in the way they perceive events and issues. Solutions to their issues often need to be innovative, and their attorneys, while they may mutter and shake their head will usually compliment me for resolving an issue they could not find a legal solution for.

To my surprise I recently ran across a book by a retired FBI agent who talked about the same personality types, their threat to other individuals and how to deal with them if you are unlucky enough to live or work with them. I recommend that you borrow, or buy this book: 

           Dangerous Personalities by Joe Navarro.

It's a good read and might give you insight into your own safety while dealing with the world and its variegated population.